It’s when I receive a copy of the seminal exhibition catalogue Live In Your Head with the word ‘live’ crossed out very intensely in biro that I realise my fears which had surfaced over the festive period are not unfounded. There’s now no doubt in my mind that the modern day version of the DC Comics League of Shadows is after me. Of course the only difference between this lot and the group lead by Ra’s al Ghul is that one is a group of over-intellectual villains given to florid prose and funded through shady means and the other is a bunch of public-sector curators. Or something like that.
Fearing for my well-being in London I hopped on the first Turkish Airlines plane to Singapore. There I spotted the first item on this week’s wishlist, Jeremy Sharma’s, Mors, which was available from Galerie Michael Janssen at Art Stage Singapore for around 28,000 Singapore dollars (around £13,900). Made from high-density polystyrene foam, it’s not just a lovely piece of abstraction but also a useful shield from any potential attacks. And if I stand next to it wearing my lovely Luid striped silk-jacquard dress by The Row, it is also great camouflage.
Holed up in a small room above Ng Ah Sio Pork Ribs Eating House (known for its blanched pig liver amongst other delicacies), I’m desperately scouring the auction houses for more art work protection and my eyes light on Walead Beshty’s 20-inch Copper (Fedex© Large Kraft Box ©2005 FEDEX 330508) , which I wish I'd bid on at Phillips’ 20th Century & Contemporary Art Day Sale in London on 10 February. It’s a solid piece of kit and one that I could have either hidden under or thrown at any curator who tried to attack me. Luckily there’s only a couple of curators in Singapore. And I’m sure I haven’t insulted Ute Meta Bauer in my time as yet, although let’s hope that Babacar M’Bow (see my last wishlist) and his famous trousers aren’t visiting town.
What I really need to go with Beshty’s box is Lukas Geronimas’s Custom Beam, which was available from David Petersen Gallery at Art Los Angeles Contemporary (28 to 31 January). It looks like solid protection but it’s just wood and plaster knocked together, meaning I can transport it round wherever I go and duck behind it when necessary. There’s a China Southern flight from Singapore to Los Angeles that is cheap and has the benefit of taking just over 30 hours meaning I can escape the increasingly dark clutches of the art world whilst getting hammered on shaojiu. I’m just about the head to Singapore Changi airport when a note is slipped on to my table at Ng Ah Sio. 'You’ve travelled the world to understand the criminal mind and conquer your fears,' it reads. I recognise the words. I watched Batman Begins on Turkish Airlines. 'Meet me in St John on 1st March. Let us eat game and drink claret.' Now I’m pretty sure Ra’s al Ghul didn’t refer to game or indeed claret in Batman Begins. I start to panic.
Published 10 February 2016